Every good and perfect gift is from above, James 1:17
We struggled with infertility. There. I said it. This was one of the hardest things I have EVER dealt with and my heart breaks for others who face it. The medical interventions we resorted to in order to conceive were NOTHING compared to what some couples go through. But it was still painful: emotionally and psychologically more than anything. If you have no problems conceiving, be thankful-very thankful. It is a blessing.
Doodle is a miracle. I've mentioned before (Miracles) that he would not exist without God's intervention. I have decided that I will share his story of existence in honor of his 2nd birthday...tomorrow! But it requires a little backstory so here goes:
When I was 13 I was diagnosed with endometriosis, a young age to be diagnosed but at the time it was already interfering with my life so a diagnosis had to be determined. After the pain I endured for 2 years (and a doctor even wanting to put me on Prozac!), it was great to finally have a name to tag onto the pain. I was told at that time it may be difficult to have children. Then, at 13, I was disappointed and a little concerned. It was not until I was ready to have a baby (more than 13 years later) that it really hit me, my body-me, myself, and I- may be the reason I will not be able to fulfill my dream of being a mommy. That is the most devastating and disheartening thought to ponder...for months and months and months then 1 year plus of "working" to become pregnant. It literally becomes a task. And unless you have lived it, you will not understand.
Here comes "coincidence" numero uno: I learn that the doctor that diagnosed me at 13 with endometriosis is the WIFE of my gynecologist. And THEY experienced infertility. I did not know this until I was an established patient with him. (Many women are schizo about the gender of their ob/gyn. I think mine is fantabulous [he even delivered Kameron])! After we "hung out" (in the words of Dr. R) for a year trying to get pregnant, we went back to see him for an infertility consultation. It was then that I was prescribed Clomid. Dr. R told us that he and his wife conceived with the use of Clomid. He also told us about the side effects. Wow. Not bad at first but then, BAM! Crazy lady, here! I was a disaster! So much so that I am reluctant to use Clomid again unless I HAVE to. Clomid's purpose is to cause ovulation establishing a regular (28-30 day) cycle. Um. Nothing about me is normal. That wasn't the case for me; try 41 days. Yeah. With each cycle of Clomid, I continued to become crazier: irritable, VERY EMOTIONAL, irritable. Oh. Did I mention irritable? I am surprised Jason and I are still married, actually. Three cycles of Clomid for someone normal would take 3 months, I was working on 5 months, and becoming very disgruntled (on top of the irritability and the very strong emotions). I tried to endure weeks and weeks and weeks and months and months of friends having babies, announcing pregnancies, and complaining of pregnancy discomforts, newborns, toddlers. What I wouldn't give to suffer all that 10 times over. Heartwrenching at it's worst.
With another pregnancy announcement from friends, I lost it. I strongly held myself together in the presence of that couple and others around me, but when I was home I literally fell on my face before God and gave Him the heavy burden I carried for so long. It was such a release. I am so thankful my God can handle what I cannot; I hate that I am so stubborn that I choose to endure so much pain when I could just give my burdens to him, so much sooner than I usually do.
"Coincidence" 2: The very day I was to start the 4th cycle of Clomid, I was nauseated from noon on and into the next day. I did not want to start Clomid in case I was pregnant. Three days later (not sure why I waited extra days) I had a negative pregnancy test and began the 4th Clomid cycle on day 8 instead of day 5. There is no explanation for the nausea. It was over in 36 hours. I believe God was at work in the delay. It was with this cycle of Clomid that Baby J was conceived. We had a positive pregnancy test on June 21, 2009...Father's Day.
The Miracle of It All
On our 8 week OB visit to see Dr. R, he wanted to do an ultrasound to make sure everything was where it needed to be; He was concerned after his examination that I felt 6 weeks pregnant, not 8 weeks that I had calculated.
The ultrasound revealed:
1) My uterus is tilted backward. According to Dr. R, this can cause difficulties with conception.
2) My uterus is "heart-shaped", nearly divided in half by a septum in the middle.
3) My right ovary is non-functional. It was likely a birth defect.
Fast Forward:
Doodle was born 5 weeks premature: 5lbs, 3oz. He literally came out kicking, screaming, and peeing :) Despite his prematurity, he only needed a little extra oxygen immediately upon delivery. And a hat constantly on his head and bundled in blankets as he was not able to regulate his body temperature at all.
I should have known then that he would be so stubborn. He had to overcome a mother who has one withered ovary, one that did not ovulate as it should, a backward tilting womb that was so cramped he had to kick himself out 5 weeks too soon to have any room, born kickingscreamingpeeing. Yep. That's my boy. Still loving to be kickingscreamingpeeing 2 years later!
I never want to discount the miracle Doodle is. I never want to discount that God intervened on my behalf; that He knew my heart was shattered and broken, that even though I am so stubborn to carry burdens for so long he still takes them when I am ready and graciously works in His timing...despite me. I love to think about the miracles God handles in my life; they are like butterfly kisses from Him. Do not stop looking for miracles, they are everywhere. You just have to look.
